It’s important to laugh at oneself from time to time. As a goan, I represent the greatly under-laughed at community of India.
I mean, you can poke fun at almost any community and they can’t give you a good comeback as soon as they realise that you’re a Goan.
But we Goans know our weak areas of funny. In a rare moment of generosity, I share with you, my favorite collection of Goan jokes.
Feel free to add to it 🙂
This post is forever growing!!
Crispino Fernandes from Benaulim was making a train journey form Goa to
Mumbai for the very first time. He got into the unreserved section of the
train at Vasco station and kept his luggage which consisted of two big Goan
market bags covered by two mats (shendris) on the seat opposite. At Margao
Station a whole load of men rushed into the compartment in a mad rush to
find seats for the long journey. One man sees Crispin’s bags occupying a
prime seat and asks loudly,
Vo mats kiska hai?
Crispin mutters politely,
The man gives him a disgusted angry look and commands,
- No matter where you go in the world you will find another goan named D’Costa, D’Mello, D’Souza, Fernandes, Monteiro or Rodrigues.
- You have six middle names, most of which you can’t pronounce.
- You have annoying nicknames like Petus, Babush (or Busha), Bostiao, Forsulo or Popot!
- You are really confused if you are Portuguese.. heaven forbid Indian!
- You call everybody who is brown and not class=”mceItemHidden”> goan bintkar” and make fun of them in konkani.
- You interject what”, man”, and re”(ray) in every line of your conversation
- You show you are listening to the conversation by saying really?!” or what youre saying”
- You call an older person you’ve never met before uncle” or auntie” everyone is a family friend
- One club is not enough to cater to 10 goans
- Your family is fighting over property they inherited from someone else. Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn’t talk with her for 10 years
- You think you can sing
- You make tea in a saucepan
- You eat onions with everything
- You get excited when king fish” is mentioned
- You eat last night’s curry the next morning
- You call mangoes by Portuguese names
- You see pictures of the Caribbean and you say it’s just like Goa”
- You get very upset when the airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is
40 lbs overweight.
- You go back to Goa and people treat you like a member of the royal family
- You are comfortable going back for a holiday in May just to sample the mangoes, jackfruits, cantons, bibes, and the miscut.
- You wash your butt quickly when you hear the pig grunting.
First Goan Girl: What men! Not talking? Become big or what?
Second Goan Girl: Why you told her that I told you about Perpet going to
movie with Pilot?
First Goan Girl: Told foo men? Ah that Concessao? But I told her not to
tell annnnnnybody that you told me.
Second Goan Girl: I doesn’t care what you told her. She told me not to
tell you that I know that you told her!
First Goan Girl: Let’s go fast fast and ask her if I told her not to
tell anyone or what.
Second Goan Girl: Where she bees at this time?
First Goan Girl: Evening she bees at library. You know she is friendly
with that fellow Johnny no? It sims he told her that he is interested in
becoming friendly to her.
Second Goan Girl: Ya men?? I didn’t know only.
First Goan Girl: And what men, she bees a chiku and he bees a banana!
Second Goan Girl: Chee… what you saying dirty things men?
First Goan Girl: Arre not dirty go….saiba bhogosh…. Chiku, C for
Chardo. Banana, B for Brahmin. How they can becoming interested together
like this men? I don’t know only..
Second Goan Girl: Chee chee! Come fast let’s tell Mariquin and Estrelin!
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said “I have to talk to you. We have some Goencars up here in Heaven and they are causing problems. They’re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing kashtis and saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW’s instead of the chariots, and they’re selling their halos to people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating Sannas and Sorpotel. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!”
The Lord said, “Goans are Goans. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.”
Satan answered the phone, “Hello? Damn, hold on a minute..” Satan returned to the phone, “OK I’m back. What can I do for you?”
Gabriel replied, “I just wanted to know what kind of problems you’re having down there.”
Satan says, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.”
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, “I’m back. Now what was the question?”
Gabriel said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?”
Satan says, “Man I don’t believe this………Hold on.”
This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, “I’m sorry Gabriel, I can’t talk right now. These Goans from the Gulf down here have put out the fire in hell and are trying to install air conditioning!!!
A young Goan couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband from Assolna, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go up to Connie’s bar and
relax with his old buddies. So, he said to his wife, “Honey,I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to Connie’s place, darling. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my moga?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him a
dozen different kinds of beer – Kingfisher, class=”mceItemHidden”> Belo, Sandpiper, Arlem… name it she had it! The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lollypop…but at Connie’s…you know…they have
frozen beer mugs! ”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen
glass, morgada?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at connies they have those little snacks that are really delicious. You know patties and croquets and cutlets and small chevrisam…. I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise.
OK?” “You want snacks,poochi pooh?”
She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But my sweet honey… at Connie’s… you
know…there’s swearing, and dirty words, galleio and all that…”
“You want dirty words, gallieo?… “LISTEN UP, D*CKH**D! DRINK YOUR F*****G BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR M***********G SNACKS,
BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! SOZMOLO! BARAO?”
And they lived happily ever after…….
I attended the silver jubliee of ordinatiion of Goan priest in Mumbai. After
the mass there was small reception.
Fr. Bosco Pereira, from Don Bosco’s Borivili, well known for his humourous
toasts was the MC.
Here is one joke he cracked on himself…..Fr. Bosco in his own words:
“You know I am a goan, I was born in a Goa. You know my parents did not name me
after the Saint John Bosco..but here it is how I was named Bosco
When my mother was pregnant many of our neighbours and villagers came to see
My father was rich, so he had many servants to do the house work, so my mai
was not allowed to do any house work, and given complete rest, but she used to get fed up, so everytime a neighbour came to see her she used to make them sit for long n tell them khobro. Whenever they tried to make a move, she would say, Agho BOS GHO, BOS GHO(sit down, sit down) she used this word so often that my father deceided to name me BOSCO.”
A Niz Goemcar just returned from Saudi, drove to the garage in his maruti to
change the battery.
The mechanic asked him,
Mechanic: Patrao Exide galum?
Niz: Ani dusri side..tuzo pai ghaltolo?
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long party.